Gender education — Druid Life

Kids are not led astray by knowing more about the breadth of human possibility. You don’t turn people gay by telling them that gay exists. What you do is save them from having to live either as outsiders, or trying to fake being something they are not.

Gender education — Druid Life

This is why visibility is so, so important. That pervasive feeling of being a square peg in a round hole until you go to college and realize there are all kinds of…

Okay, I was going to say all kind of holes for all kinds of pegs, but that seems raunchier than it did in my head, so let’s just abandon that metaphor here and now.

Anyway, that feeling of not quite fitting in and not really knowing why sucks. And I say that as a cis, white, mostly-lesbian. I can’t imagine what that disconnect feels like for trans kids and other marginalized groups. The building block of consciousness is the self-reflective “I am,” and if you don’t have the vocabulary or even the vague concepts to complete that statement then… that sucks.

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#AtoZChallenge — Katharine Hepburn

This post is part of the April A to Z Blogging Challenge, where I am challenging myself to reflect on other A to Z posts that I come across.


katharine-hepburn-on-marriage
(source)

As a mostly-lesbian, my first instinct is to wholeheartedly agree with this quote. At the same time my partner is, at heart and gradually more and more in body, a dude. (Fun story: This is also not the first time I’ve had feelings for someone who later ended up transitioning or being genderqueer.) And although I tease him quite often about how boys are gross and stinky and please for the love of god stop biting your nails and leaving the resulting bits in my car, I am totally okay with that.

I suppose it helps with the “boys are gross” thing that he’s an OCD and a neat freak. (These are distinctly different things: one is a wired-in brain compulsion that often leads to frustration, vicious self-reproach, and tears; the other is more like this…)

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Here’s the thing about men and women… they’re often raised differently, and the respective upbringings don’t always include a detailed understanding of the other. 

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”
~ MLK (source)
(I did take this quote out of context from the post I found it in, but I feel it can be applied to gender inequality as much as it can to racial inequality.)

Living with a trans man is different. If I have cramps or period-related back pains or ridiculously sensitive nipples, I get sympathy born of genuine understanding. He never leaves the seat up, or drips pee on the floor. (I’ve never dated a cis guy, but I’ve lived with them and so has he.) There are probably other stereotypes I’m forgetting that equally do not apply, but I can’t think of them at the moment.

Really, the biggest stumbling block we’ve had in the relationship is the OCD. On basically all other fronts, we coexist quite suitably together. So I’m not sure if I do agree with that quote after all.

#AtoZChallenge — Hair

This post is part of the April A to Z Blogging Challenge, where I am challenging myself to reflect on other A to Z posts that I come across. 


Hair

https://bethlapinsatozblog.wordpress.com/2018/04/09/hair/
— Read on bethlapinsatozblog.wordpress.com/2018/04/09/hair/


I don’t get my hair cut often, partly because I’m broke and partly because I just don’t put much effort into my hair. Sure I wash it, comb it, etc., but I never got into blow drying it or putting product in it or anything like that. My wake up routine when I have somewhere to go is usually roll out of bed, get dressed, comb hair, walk out the door.

But last week while my partner had an appointment in town, I tagged along and checked out the salon next door. I did very little research before hand and did not make an appointment, despite my best intentions, but they accepted walk-ins and I only had to wait fifteen minutes.

The shampooing my is my favorite part. It’s a glorious scalp massage, with warm water.

The talking is my least favorite part, because I’m awkward as hell. It seems like it would be rude to just sit there in complete silence, especially since they always try to start conversations. But the lady cutting my hair was nice enough. I told her I just wanted a trim because I’m growing my hair out for the wedding next year.

She asked, “Who’s the lucky guy?”

Awkward alert! I’m used to correcting that sort of thing with “lucky girl,” except now my partner is out about transitioning. So there was this pause in which my brain went durrrrrrr for a while, then I think I said something like oh it’s my partner we’ve been together for five years and lived together for three.

After a while she started to catch on that I kept saying partner instead of using pronouns and apologized for being heteronormative. I was so inspired by that I explained that my partner is transitioning and I’m still getting used to the pronoun switch, and we ended up talking about hilarious ways our dudes have been startled awake — mine by a cat biting his nose, hers when she yanked the pillow out from under his head because she was worried he’d roll over on the baby.

I think I’ve posted about this before, now that I’ve written it, but whatever. It’s important. It was a refreshingly good encounter, both in terms of non-awkward acceptance (cough cough my parents are awkward as hell, wonder where I get that from) and me being more talkative while using the new pronouns. It’s just, you never know how people are going to react, you know? This is a pretty liberal town, but still. And… I kind of loathe the idea of being mistaken for straight. We’re a queer couple, but the pronouns no longer indicate that without the extended explanation, and it feels as though my identity gets lost or that I’m lying about it by omission. Both of our identities, really.

So… that’s part of the quandary of getting my hair done now. They always want to talk. I always feel awkward about the talking and end up telling the story about how our last apartment gave me fleas. Every time. It is not a story that makes me sound like a classy person. I don’t know why I always tell that one, it just pops out.

Are there such things as silent hair salons? Because if not, introverts of the world! We should rise up and demand quietly mumble a request for them!

#AtoZChallenge — B is for Bound

BThis is a retelling of Mulan based partly on the Disney version and partly on what I read in a Wikipedia article. It’s right on the cusp of dealing with gender identity and dysphoria… if I write a part two that’s the direction it will go in.

1313 words, Adult Content, LGBT themes. Please leave a comment if you like what you read. 😊

Continue reading “#AtoZChallenge — B is for Bound”

Gender & Writing

When I was in high school, there was this one creative writing assignment that drove me up the wall because the responses were all pretty much the same. The idea was to write from the perspective of someone of the opposite gender seeing your bedroom for the first time. Long story short, it was always either about a boy being surprised a girl’s room could be so messy or a girl being surprised that a boy’s room could be so neat.

Gag me with a spoon. I don’t even remember what I wrote, but it probably fell into the same category. Of course, back then I was in a bubble of gender non-discussion where my creative writing teacher made lame jokes like”words have gender, people have sex.” (This was in 2004-2006. Like, a million years ago.) By now I’m aware that:

  • Gender is either some sort of continuum, 3D puzzle shape, or asymmetrical puddle of self-definition.
  • Man and woman is a separate thing from masculine and feminine, which is a separate thing from male and female. (There might be better words for that. Let me know if I should adjust the phrasing anywhere in the post.)
  • These are all social constructs anyway, and you do you.

It helps that I went to a very liberal college and met all kinds of interesting people. Lots of new thoughts happened. Sexuality was questioned. You know, young adult growing up stuff. As a writer, it introduced all sorts of new thoughts about my writing, as well.

In retrospect there was a writing phase I went through for a while that was actually pretty interesting. I wrote a lot of short romance stories with ambiguously named characters and without using pronouns, then asked readers to describe what they’d assumed about those characters and their relationship. My original reason for doing this was to question assumptions about sexuality, but it works for gender too.

I don’t feel that men and women are all that different, or that much different to write. Not on their own, anyway, and anyone who falls outside of those two (very broad) categories seems to be an indicator of that. We’re just very socialized to fit into two (pretty narrow) classifications, right down to the separate toy aisles that are color coded blue or pink.

Recently I read a blog post that raised the question of how to write characters from the opposite gender, which is a pretty timely question for me. The main character in the novel I’m working on now is a guy, and his actions are mainly determined by how he was raised, the expectations placed on him by everyone in his life and particularly his father. I’ve found that being a guy is not what makes him difficult to write… If I can brainstorm the conditions and expectations the character was raised with, that helps. Having his head up his ass is what makes him difficult to write.

However, I do like to have my partner read over things and do socialization checks for me to see if my characters seem realistic. It always helps to get a second opinion, one that isn’t quite so wrapped up in the story.

Where I do stumble over writerly gender-ish problems tends to fall closer to my side of the fence but with personalities that are different from mine in particular ways. I find it hard to write women who, for example, consider makeup important because I never really “got” makeup. Mostly it’s a texture thing, I hate the way it feels on my face. Also I have a thing about touching or poking my eyeballs that makes me extremely bad at mascara, even if someone else tries to do it for me. My mother just didn’t get why I refused to wear any except when I had my arm twisted to look nice for prom. If I had to write a character who wears makeup regularly and considers it a source of confidence and empowerment, that would be a major struggle regardless of pronouns or their gender identification.

So I’m curious. What are your stumbling blocks when writing your characters, and do they fall along or against stereotypically gendered lines?