I feel… wrong. Sometimes it feels almost like being dizzy, like my head is disconnected and floating slightly above my body like a balloon on a short string. Sometimes it feels like everything around me is moving at a slightly faster tempo than I am.
The amount of times I say “I don’t know” on any given day has quadrupled, at least — I never know what I want to watch, want to drink, want to eat, want to do in my free time. Or, if I do and that turns out not to be an option, I am generally unable to think of a second option. It’s been so hard to write lately, for the past month or so with only short-lived exceptions.
Yesterday, I locked my keys in my car because I’d forgotten to put them in my pocket. A couple weeks ago I “lost” my credit card because I put it in my back pocket, right into the middle of a stack of business cards, and a couple days after I “found” it again I forgot to take the cards out of the pocket and they disintegrated in the wash.
Is this what depression feels like? Or am I just psyching myself out? Because between my growing dread of an upper endoscopy, fretfulness about switching to all gluten free all the time, the anxiety I already had anyway, recently fiddling with my medication, and the fact that it’s 100° F out again today… I just don’t know anymore.
at Milliways with a pen 
It sounds like stress and/or anxiety to me! Depression takes all forms. Sometimes it’s not being able to do the simplest tasks, sometimes it manifests as a type of anxiety. There are a lot of things you can do if you figure out what your source is. I hope you feel better soon!
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Thank you… There are probably a lot of sources, but some of them will go away with time.
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I find I always blame the little issues that come up when it’s usually something big I’m ignoring that’s causing the little issues to feel much larger. Be well💕
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Hi
I don’t think it sounds like depression, at least not clinical. Sounds more like anxiety and stress which given the things you’re going through is exactly what you’d expect to be happening.
The thing with anxiety is that when we are experiencing it our mind naturally looks for things to attribute it to. Usually we are inventing a casual link when there isn’t one. Some people have high anxiety. Think of it as nervous energy. We all have it, so some people have it more or less that others, it varies like height. That high level of nervous energy can be a positive thing. It can make us creative, productive, artistic and generally interesting people. But it can get out of hand and the we become obsessive, worried, anxious, fearful and irrational.
I would test everything you feel worried about to see if it is rational. For example if you are going to have an endoscopy it’s ok to be nervous and worried, the vast majority of people would be. So that’s probably the main thing. Change of diet, again that’s a big change, related to the endoscopy as well, also a legitimate source of worry. All the other stuff is then attributable to the two main things, don’t allow yourself to attribute them to anything else. None of them are serious so just let them go, it doesn’t matter if you don’t know what you want to do, or watch, or if you lost stuff (totally normal for me by the way, welcome to my world!) All of that will correct itself in time. As for the writing, that’s also probably related, but even if it isn’t it is still totally normal to have periods where it’s just not happening. Sometimes you can force art but often you can’t chase it down, it just gets further away. Give it some time without worrying. It will come back.
That’s like the longest comment ever. Hope it is of some help.
M
X
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Thank you, this comment was phenomenally reassuring last night. I don’t know why, I guess I’ve also been anxious about possibly being depressed, which seems like a… a heavier reality to deal with. I’m just so anxious all the time that it feels like I’m constantly under siege. I didn’t sleep very well though.
Is it rational to be afraid of the endoscopy mostly because I know I will have to be sedated, and that is somehow the scariest part? The conviction that I will wake up not knowing exactly what happened to me while I was out, maybe feeling some lingering effects of whatever was done, and at the same time being too squicked out just imagining the details to even ask?
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Fear of the unknown is one of the most basic fears and it is completely normal in this type of situation. I had an examination where they put a camera on a tube down my throat (is that the sort of thing you’re having?) I was extremely nervous beforehand but it was fine and I was fine afterwards.
I’m not surprised you feel anxious, it be weirder if you weren’t.
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Good comments, helpful suggestions. I have one to add: get a piece of paper – large as you can find or feel like dealing with, and a box of crayons, if you have them. Make a mark in the center. The center could be you, the procedure, the sedative – could be anything. But lay it out on the paper so that you can SEE it. Give it a physical presence. Start doodling. Make shapes, stay random. Spend about 10, 15 minutes doing this. Maybe some nice soothing music in the background. You can do this whenever you feel this anxious, unnamed dread. Good luck!
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I really want to do this… possibly with watercolor instead of crayon. If the cats walk across it while it’s still wet that can be their problem, heh.
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I agree it sounds more like anxiety than depression, but could be a bit of both because of your health challenges. Losing your keys and being unable to concentrate on your writing could be because your subconscious is consumed with worry about the endoscopy leaving you feeling disconnected (as you described floating). Depression is often described as lethargy and hopelessness with no end in site. The fact that you are reaching out is positive. Be tender with yourself around the gluten. There is life beyond gluten although it can seem like a high mountain to climb, For me it helped to think of giving something to myself (feeling better) rather than giving up stuff I liked to eat. Sending healing energy your way.
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