June was not my finest month. I finally found a new doctor up here and got through the first appointment well enough and got my anxiety meds dose bumped up a little, but nearly cried when I got blood drawn for tests and did cry when I went back for my next appointment. The doctor was very nice, but unfortunately all she had to distract me from my anxiety attack with was the news that I tested positive for celiac disease. So now I have an endoscopy to worry about, because that’s the next step to confirm, and that’s a lot more invasive than what freaked me out at the follow-up.
Maybe it’s that I’m still adjusting to the new medication dose, but I’m constantly on edge lately and it’s exhausting.
On the other hand, I only wrote three posts in June but one of them was a book review. One of my goals for the year was to do at least five reviews so I’m pleased about making progress on that.
Here’s what I am currently:
… Nothing. I kind of wanted to do Camp NaNoWriMo, but I just don’t have the energy with so much anxiety and other things I need to do demanding my attention.
… To work really hard to change the things I can change and accept/work with the things I can’t.
… Avoiding gluten a priority. My grandpa, who was diagnosed with celiac disease when I was still in high school, has been off gluten so long that if he gets any contamination he ends up spending an hour throwing up afterwards. I’m definitely not there, but whenever I eat something that I know could sneakily contain some wheat I definitely psyche myself out into feeling awful.
… Bedtime. I am tired.
… Terry Pratchett, my fallback in times of stress. I know them so well and I know all the bits I really enjoy, so I have those to look forward to.
… Twin Peaks, seasons one and two. When I was a kid, my parents had the soundtrack for the show and, for some reason, kept a picture of me from when I was about four in the front of the CD case. That alone made me want to listen to it, and most of the songs are so hauntingly beautiful. I would listen to it in my room and flip through the CD booklet, looking at the headshots of the actors with their characters’ names below and trying to imagine what they were like.
As far as actually watching the show goes, this is my second attempt. I just finished the first season and I will definitely keep going with it this time around.
… Overwhelmed. So, so overwhelmed.
… A vacation. Thankfully, I’m getting two this month: a long weekend/work from home stretch over 4th of July, and Disneyland with my mom in two weeks. She’s been really great about contacting her friends who live near Anaheim about GF options in the park.
… How supportive my partner is. They came with my to my follow-up appointment to literally hold my hand, and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have someone I trust this much as my safety net.
… The health care bill Republicans are trying to push through. This has been a bad month for worrying about my health, and dropping potential financial concerns on top of that is swell.
… To be able to relax sometime soon. I have a therapy appointment in a couple weeks, and I’m hoping that will help. Here’s to July being a better month!